Saturday, May 15, 2010

Losing My Religion

Hey, Religions!
I’m speaking to you!
I’m tired of watching you suck at the teat of humans world-wide. I have twenty simple statements that if you do, then you cannot call yourself a religion anymore. You’ve agitated, lied, stolen, molested, raped, killed, and tried to control everything from our minds to our emotions to our bodies. Stop it already and give it up. Go play golf, or run speedboats or yachts around the world, or buy the International Space Station and hang out up there. Anything but what you’re doing now. So get ready to lose your luster, you arrogant pieces of slime.


You are not a religion if...

1. You subjugate women
Women deserve the same rights and privileges as men. To disallow women equal rights and treatment because a long time ago in a very different era someone said so is just plain wrong. Control Freak Issue #1 Remember when it used to be only white men who made the rules? That eventually and rightfully got cast aside. Mores that have no reason other than to control are almost always hidden as culture but are in reality religion.


2. You abhor birth control
Control Freak Issue #2. The life is sacred argument goes out the door when mass killings and vengeance are involved. Women are allowed to choose what they do with their bodies. Period. Stop protesting and have your followers adopt a crack baby. That’ll keep them busy and you did an honorable and charitable act.


3. You harbor child molesters
This one is just plain crazy. Obfuscate and lie your way out of blatant law breaking. Child molesters are the scum of the earth and should be locked away for good. The fact that you hide them, protect them, and offer a phony “cure” shows you have no grasp on reality, science, or actually protecting the innocent. You should have your “Religion Card” revoked for this one and this one alone.


4. You charge for admission
If you have to charge for admission, you are not a religion. That charge could be obvious or hidden in guilt-ridden tithing. Asking for money from others who cannot refuse because they’re guilted into believing they are making things better is criminal. Creating levels based on payment is even worse, but at least those suckers see it coming.


5. You imply guilt of the innocent
Children have enough on their plate growing up, they don’t need to be told they are paying for the acts of their ancestors and they are guilty by association. What a low life scum sucking act it is to tell a child you’ll be fine if you obey these rules or else, that’s it’s his or her fault but there is nothing they can do about it. This is Control Freak Issue #3.


6. You evade taxes but enter politics
You do not have to pay taxes. Yet you take in millions of millions of dollars. The idea is that you shut the fuck up about politics. But that’s not good enough. You have to have MORE control, so you start talking about who to elect and how to vote. And if you don’t do it in church, you side-step the law and do it at socials and functions and the like. You know the intent of the law, you actively choose to get around it. Control Freak Issue #4.


7. You use your deity to avoid the law
Sin is a word that should be removed from the language. It is hard to define and used whenever you get your ass in trouble. Sin implies forgiveness and potential improvement but totally avoids responsibility. And I find it funny you never volunteer to tell the world you have sinned, only after you have been discovered as a cheat, liar, thief, molester, rapist, or murderer. Some of your followers can only tell someone else in secret-even sillier. If you know it’s wrong and you are doing it, it’s not the devil, it’s not sinning, it’s bad behavior, lack of control, or disregard for the law and/or basic human decency.


8. You try and prove your faith exists
This is a favorite of mine. Faith is belief in that which cannot be proven. Science proves new stuff all the time. And tests it over and over and over to be sure they understand. When you try and use science to prove your faith, you are essentially telling everyone, “Look at me, I have no faith. I must rely on science to tell me I’m correct.” The very act of attempted confirmation is proof enough you are an insecure loser.


9. You pick and choose which of your dogma to follow
An oldie but a goodie, you can’t just pick the parts of your dogma to follow and ignore the rest. Your deity told you to do exactly what they say. Some religions do precisely this, and we call them extremists. They are not, they are literalists. Most of the western world should not be coveting, should not be working on Sunday, and should kill for several reasons. The act of picking and choosing and then interpreting only those passages you want to agree with is insincere and smacks of arrogance.


10. You believe you understand what science does not
What a conundrum it must be to continue to come up with excuses why science keeps proving living things evolve. Or why the earth was not the center of the universe. Or why people don’t need an exorcism to feel better. Did witches really float? Or was in sink? What about healing the sick, make the crippled walk, the blind see? I have one for you; it would be a miracle if you could hear your own hubris.


11. You intimidate or threaten anyone questioning your dogma
Hey, far be it for me to question your faith, but damn, you are some nutty folks. Questions and their honest answers help humans understand the world they live in and how to better that world. Ideas can and should be challenged and if better ones arise, then the old ones should step aside. Culture is not religion and religion is not culture. If they are too intertwined, then the threat is taken as one on one’s society. If that’s you, then please, rethink why you are threatening people. Control Freak Issue #5.


12. You babble incoherently and call it speaking in tongues
Gibberish, snake handling, bad singing. It’s not like American Idol couldn’t use a refresh but come on, if your followers are speaking in tongues then get it on tape and shoot it over to those Rosetta Stone folks who create the language CDs. At least you’ll make some money and not seem so cooky. Oh, and don’t tell your followers to handle poisonous snakes. Poisonous snakes bite, humans die. I’m sure my math is correct on that point.


13. You are silent when others of your ilk commit atrocities
If you let your followers sit idly by while one of them commits murder, rape, theft, or other crimes against humanity, you cannot call yourself a religion. You punish those who don’t believe but accept the criminal failings of those in your flock. Grow a pair and stand up for the victims in these cases.


14. You do not let your followers leave without risk to their lives
If someone does not want to play your silly game of control-tag anymore, then you make it very hard for them to leave. Let them go. Don’t you really want mindless drones anyway? People should be able to choose the place they commune with other humans. Don’t make them hate you like a jealous lover if they want out of the relationship. People evolve, or did you miss that part?


15. You physically damage children for no reason other than control
Male or female circumcision is wrong on every single level. There are no health reasons for it and if an adult of over 18 years of age wants to do that to themselves, they certainly have the ability to do so. You want control in the worst possible way. This is a crime against the innocent that even governments  pitifully condone. You cannot call yourself a religion and do this. Control Freak Issue #6.


16. You kill more humans in your name than anything else ever devised
In the name of [insert deity here] I will kill you, and your family, and then dig up the bones of your Gramma and Pappy and stab them too. Wars over the words “right” and “wrong” and “good” and “evil” have killed and maimed millions over our human history and they did nothing to deserve it other than to try and rid themselves of religion. This is all tied back to control and YOU. If you did or still do this, you are not a religion, you are a plague.


17. Your main weapon is fear and your main threat is logic and reason
You start with the children and turn all your followers into Tweak from South Park. Afraid to speak up, to question, to learn, to study. You create a dire demise and promise people they’ll see loved ones again. Tugging at heart strings in that manner is reprehensible. You’ll never allow logic and reason into your house. If they did stop by for a visit, you’d be a few million followers lighter.


18. You create loopholes around your dogma to allow for human desires
Arranged marriages, some as quick as 24 hours are common when human desire for sex comes in conflict with dogma. Women are to be used for a time period and then thrown away. Own up to the fact that humans are, well, human. Your dogma may be wrong. Fix it or stop being a religion and just be skeevy. Or visit Vegas more often.


19. You want to control thoughts and feelings of those unable to grasp the difference
Most folks have a hard time discerning what they think versus how they feel. You prey on that and mix thoughts and emotions so well that your followers stop thinking and only go on emotion. As long as you muddy the water and keep clarity at a distance, you will not be a religion.


20. You tell followers to worship a fantasy/science fiction character from folklore
Some awesome person on these here internets came up with a simple, yet effective way of illustrating how-in this case- western religion is intertwined with folklore, fantasy, and science fiction. If you tell your followers to blindly follow someone who is clearly out for control, then you are not a religion.


So what makes a good religion? A place to commune, a place to find respite from the day’s stresses, and a place where you are not judged by any one person, but by your acts and deeds. A place where responsibility is placed back on you but on occasion you can act like a fool and get away with it, as long as you are not hurting anyone or breaking any laws.

If you go by that description and want to find religion, I suggest you locate the nearest dive bar and settle in. You're not likely to find a deity, but you will find friends.